It may be easier to get an audience with the Pope than to see a specialist to confirm my internist’s conclusion that my butt-kicking pneumonia was caused by valley fever, a dust-borne fungal respiratory infection endemic to what a lawyer buddy calls the “toxic” “Valley of the Sun.” Meanwhile, there’s a cobweb growing next to my phone awaiting the specialist’s promised return phone call.
With temporal powers over life and death, doctors like judges most personify Lord Acton’s exhortation,“There is no worse heresy then that the office sanctifies the holder of it.”
But perhaps like the gigantosaurus-headed Tony Robbins who made headlines this week when nearly two dozen were injured walking on hot coals, my illness was probably the consequence of overdue karmic payback for mocking my infernal desert home’s six-month long summer and for repeatedly dissing it as “Satan’s crotch.” It doesn’t pay to mess with Mother Nature.
So speaking about not pissing off the Earth Mother, the last time I blogged about ball-biters, it was about two Wyoming sheep ranch workers misidentified as “cowboys” who got sick from castrating lambs by biting their testicles off with their teeth. But now it seems Mother Earth’s Wild Kingdom is doling out additional retribution elsewhere with news that the testicle-biting Amazonian Pacu fish has been caught in an Illinois’ Lake.
The Pacu, a cousin of the notorious Piranha, was found in Lake Lou Yaeger. What makes this a cringe-worthy fish tale, especially for men, stems from a news item carried by the UK Sun newspaper about a British man who caught a Pacu in Papua New Guinea that had allegedly castrated a couple of fishermen. The men subsequently bled to death because of the severity of their injuries.
And not to be outdone there was the identically gonad-hungry crocodile who almost made a 70-year old man in Zimbabwe a septuagenarian soprano when the Croc shredded part of the elderly man’s “manhood” when he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off.
By the balls.
And finally, speaking of busted balls, there’s another local politician who has long needed to be yanked by the balls . . . of his feet. It’s the redoubtable fool Russell Pearce who has been deservedly catching holy hell for what he posted on Facebook on Saturday in the aftermath of the horrific massacre in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater.
The illegal-immigrant-bashing Russell Pearce was the once feared and all-powerful President of the Arizona Senate. the man who proudly spawned Arizona’s Immigration Law (SB 1070) from the depths of his loins. But he was then unceremoniously dumped out of office via an unexpected voter recall.
Pearce, who’s unfortunately running for office again, stuck his foot in his mouth all the way past the heel when he blamed the victims for the “Dark Knight” Massacre. Here verbatim — typos and all — is what he posted on his Facebook page, which he’s since taken down:
“This is certainly a time for prayers for the victims and the families of victims in this horrific crime in Colorado. I just had a call from a very good friend of mine in San Diego, California who’s neice Kim, Kim’s best friend Mikayla and Kevin were in the Theater in the front rows. Kim and Kevin got out and as he was trying to get Mikayla out she said she was shot. As the rush of the crowd exiting through the exit door pushed Kevin and Kim out they lost Mikayla.
“As of my phone conversation they were not aware of her status. What a heart breaking story. Had someone been prepared and armed they could have stopped this “bad” man from most of this tragedy. He was two and three feet away from folks, I understand he had to stop and reload. Where were the men of flight 93???? Someone should have stopped this man. Someone could have stopped this man. Lives were lost because of a bad man, not because he had a weapon, but because noone was prepared to stop it. Had they been prepared to save their lives or lives of others, lives would have been saved.
“All that was needed is one Courages/Brave man prepared mentally or otherwise to stop this it could have been done. When seconds count, police are ony minutes away. My prayers are with all of those suffering from this sensless act, may God be with them in this moment of pain and heartache.”
And while the ‘muy-macho’ Pearce has since apologized for his statement, it was one of those Judge Richard Cebull-like non-apology apologies the sincerely-insincere like to bandy when caught with their proverbial trousers around their ankles in a public place.
“So for those who were offended by my post regarding the shootings in Aurora, please accept my apologies,” he wrote.
But in his psuedo-apology, not content simply with a kinda-sorta, half-assed ‘I’m sorry,’ he also had to stick in a hosanna to the Second Amendment in his statement. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
Photo Credits: “South Mountain Towers in Dust Storm” 6-27-12 by Alan Stark, squeaks2569,at Flickr via Creative Commons-licensed content requiring attribution and share alike distribution;”Tony Robbins,” by Randy Stewart, http://www.flickr.com/photos/stewtopia/3949263960/, Wikipedia Commons file licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution Share Alike 2.0 Generic License; “Another Fun Dog,” by Joan Valencia, cutglassdecanter, at Flickr via Creative Commons-licensed content requiring attribution and share alike distribution; “Russell Pearce” photo by Gage Skidmore at Wikipedia via Creative Commons Attribution- Share Alike 3.0 unported license.